My Book of Lamentation

It’s amazing how much you learn about your surroundings just by sitting at Starbucks and listening to people talk. Now I know this is dangerous business because you can be accused of eavesdropping or worse yet you may hear threads of conversations and build a whole narrative around them. Or you may think you heard something when in reality the people were talking about something also.

I noticed today an elderly couple who walked into the store. The woman looked frail, she carried a cane and had a distant look in her eyes which I have seen in people who are about to depart. I also noticed how one of the employees was so deferential to that couple and immediately told them to grab a table “before it was gone” — Starbucks was rather crowded this morning. He got their drinks ready and then, as the lady came to get her freshly brewed coffee, I heard him refer to her as “grandma.”

A few minutes went by and before I knew it the employee took a break, sat at the table with the couple, and began to talk. He told them about a train trip — which was not as comfortable as going by plan but it was good; he even said they had Internet on the train! They talked about the advantages of having or not having a car — this guy rides the bus to and from work, which is how I started talking to him the first time I met him at the store, as he was waiting for a co-worker to get off so he could get a ride home. The last bus had already come and gone. They talked about budgeting and the demands of Holiday spending. They talked about an optimum time for him to go see his mom. Then the couple inquired about his day off — tomorrow, and they made plans to pick him up for lunch. 11:30.

You know what I mean about being accused of eavesdropping now? Please, believe me when I say that I was sitting across the room from them and the words were floating in the common air space where decoding is free. I heard all of that while quietly removing dead cuticle from my nails in my corner of the store, and I was not taking notes!

But that scene made me nostalgic. I realized I was witnessing something unique. And I realized I was indirectly living something I was never privileged to do in my life. You see, from the time I was seven, my siblings and I moved to a different state, and from that time on, we were never in the presence of our grandparents on both sides of the family for more than just a few precious minutes. Actually, I don’t even remember my grandparents on my dad’s side of the family, and I had oh so little interaction with the ones on my mom’s side.

And today I lament that. Yes, lamentation is the right word for it. I don’t use that word lightly. My rules for lamentation are plain and simple: 1. You are only allowed to lament over stuff that has already happened — no “lamenting forward” in my book, for life is too precious to have it ruined by the possibility that something might not turn out the way I want it. 2. You are only allowed to lament over stuff you had no control over. If you see the “check engine” light go on and you still decide to make that 500-mile one way spring break trip and the engine blows up circa 299 miles, don’t come to me lamenting your bad luck. 3. You are only allowed to lament over stuff that cannot be fixed.

My grandparents are all dead and gone now. I cannot fix that. My wife and I also moved, not to a different state, but to a different Continent, when our children were small. I cannot fix that. But perhaps I can do something about not moving away from my grandchildren — if and when I get my own. I can do something about my children being the last generation in the Trindade line that will have to lament the loss of the grandparents’ presence.

Starbucks awaits.

A footnote: I just spoke to “Joseph” (the name I am ascribing to the employee aforementioned) and he told me that indeed they were his grandparents, that they are well into their 80’s and that his grandmother had a devastating stroke last year but she is doing much better today. I told him, “You are honored to have them in your life.” He said, “Thank you for telling me that.”

Ivanildo C. Trindade

My 13 irreducible minimums of decency

The story is told of a young French soldier who was intent on starting his own religion. Day after day he would spend hours evangelizing the other soldiers, extolling the virtues of his ideas for a revolutionary brand of religion which would be universally acceptable to everyone. Trouble is, in spite of his efforts, he never made one convert.

Dejected, he went to his captain and complained that while he worked tirelessly, the priest in his unit seemed to spend all his time enjoying cigarettes and sipping wine with the troops; meanwhile, his chapel was overflowing with converts. Desperate, he asked the captain, “Tell me, Sir. What also should I do to win followers?” The captain simply looked at him and said, “Try dying and coming back to life after three days!”

Moral of the story: it is hard to compete with the J. C. himself. I ain’t trying, but I have my own set of principal rules I try to live by. I call them my “irreducible minimums of decency” or I.M.D’s (not to be confused with W.M.D’s!). There will be no altar call at the end nor will I pass the bucket for an offering. Just tell me what you think of these ideas and feel free to add your own. I happen to believe that even those on the far edge of the religious spectrum might find some points of convergences here. Of course, this is not an exhaustive list, but it is a good start. So here they are:

1. If there is a vulnerable child involved, be willing to be taken advantage of, if you can be reasonably sure that your help is going to benefit that child in some way;

2. If you are going to accuse someone of stealing or committing an act that breaches the laws of country or civility, you better be 100% sure. 99.9% won’t do;

3. If you are going to praise someone, write it down; if you are going to criticize or reprimand, speak face-to-face;

4. If someone calls you “stupid,” say “thank you for the information,” and walk away;

5. Never loan money to a family member. Either donate it or don’t do it at all;

6. Live today as if this were the last day of your life;

7. When in doubt, always defend those who have no voice against the powerful and learned;

8. Greet janitors at airports and other public places. Smile and thank them for the nice job they are doing;

9. Never underestimate your tendency to act contrary to decency;

10. Your wife is always smarter than you think;

11. If all your other answers fail, go to church;

12. At least once in your lifetime, find a person who is perceived as the least desirable company in your community and make him/her feel like the king/queen of the world;

13. If you were the only person in the world who is FOR you, you could never say that THE WORLD is against you.

Ivanildo C. Trindade